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How to Use a Ruler to enhance communication
(Dr. Miriam Adahan)

	Empathy Ask the person how painful or happy a certain event is to them.  ACCEPT.  Show you care by saying, "I'm really sad about your hurt..." or "I'm really happy that...."

	Awareness of Feelings Make a list of stressful situations. Ask how they would rate each one:  e.g., being insulted, the dentist, guests, blood test, having to clean, getting up in the morning, missing the bus, losing a watch, etc. Also make a list of happy events.  Say, "Note how different people rate their experiences differently.  And that's just fine."

	Learn Objectivity -- Work Down Trivialities Sometimes, a person rates a trivial event very high.  First be empathic.  Then help them differentiate between a major event (life-changing, dangerous or illegal) and a triviality: e.g., something breaks, wears out, gets lost or dirty, etc.  Trivial events can seem "awful" at first until one learns to evaluate things more objectively.  Help him work it down by asking: "Is this distressing or dangerous?"  "How will you rate this 10 years from now?"

	Focus on Solutions.  Ask... "What would it take to get the number down?" "How can I/you reduce the pain level?" "What possible solutions do we have?" "What can I/you do to move to the other side?"

	Express Anger in a Safe Way Instead of exploding to get others to understand the intensity of your pain, use a number on the ruler.  this keeps words to a minimum (which is VITAL when angry) in order to lessen the possibility of verbal abuse.  Hopefully, others will be sympathetic, not defensive, sarcastic or indifferent.

	Help Others Be More Sensitive To Your Pain Express your hurt with a number, instead of a drama.  This is less threatening.  Others are more able to listen and cooperate:  E.g., "Help!  I need you .  It's a 10!"

	Sensitize Yourself to Others You never know for sure what is in another person's head or heart.  So ASK!  "How bad is it that you missed the trip/didn't get the part in the play/got insulted?"

	Encourage Yourself and Others to "Do the Difficult" If it's a 10 on the pain scale to do something difficult, say "L'fum tzara agra" (According to the pain is the reward.")  The harder it is to do a mitzva or difficult event, the greater the heavenly reward.  Doing the difficult also builds self-respect and self-confidence.  (The "difficult" might be:  sharing, forgiving, being polite to a difficult relative, studying for a test, making a doctor's appointment or cleaning up a mess, letting someone make his own decision

More resources to enhance communications:

http://www.workfromhomefamilies.com/emett/page4.html

http://www.workfromhomefamilies.com/emett/page3.html

http://www.workfromhomefamilies.com/emett/page2.html

http://www.workfromhomefamilies.com/emett/page1.html

http://www.workfromhomefamilies.com/Kapablechildren.htm

Messages from Mishlei On CD By Mrs. Rachie Reingold	Order Form
Putting Your Kids First For tools to encourage cooperation, instill respect, and develop self-control in children For tools to develop empathy and communication skills in children	Other uses of an Eggtimer Help children learn to measure their feelings with this ruler
How to stay non-hurtful:	Three Thoughts to Keep Us Sane
Empathy :	How to R.E.A.C.H. others
Sample REACH phrases:	R.E.A.C.H. Phrases to keep in mind
Read a Delightful Story to Children --Three Books To help them cooperate and negotiate instead of whine and pout – I Want What I Want and I Want it MY WAY (Or Maybe NOT!) To read when they are in time out for not controlling hurtful actions – My Time Out Book To help children develop good self-esteem and self-confidence – Who Decides Who I Am Anyway? More on empathy, sharing, cooperation and respect, based on Old Testament values:	Social Skills All Kids Need Innoculate Your Kids from Becoming Bullies
Campaign for Kindness	Raising Kapable Children
IMGenius Balancedmom – legitimate way to earn income from home	Balancedmom