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How to Use a Ruler to enhance communication
(Dr. Miriam Adahan)
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Empathy
· Ask the person how painful or happy a certain event is to them.
· ACCEPT.
· Show you care by saying, "I'm really sad about your hurt..." or "I'm really happy that...."
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Awareness of Feelings
· Make a list of stressful situations.
· Ask how they would rate each one: e.g., being insulted, the dentist, guests, blood test, having to clean, getting up in the morning, missing the bus, losing a watch, etc.
· Also make a list of happy events. Say, "Note how different people rate their experiences differently. And that's just fine."
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Learn Objectivity -- Work Down Trivialities
Sometimes, a person rates a trivial event very high. First be empathic. Then help them differentiate between a major event (life-changing, dangerous or illegal) and a triviality: e.g., something breaks, wears out, gets lost or dirty, etc. Trivial events can seem "awful" at first until one learns to evaluate things more objectively. Help him work it down by asking: "Is this distressing or dangerous?" "How will you rate this 10 years from now?"
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Focus on Solutions. Ask...
· "What would it take to get the number down?"
· "How can I/you reduce the pain level?"
· "What possible solutions do we have?"
· "What can I/you do to move to the other side?"
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Express Anger in a Safe Way
Instead of exploding to get others to understand the intensity of your pain, use a number on the ruler. this keeps words to a minimum (which is VITAL when angry) in order to lessen the possibility of verbal abuse. Hopefully, others will be sympathetic, not defensive, sarcastic or indifferent.
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Help Others Be More Sensitive To Your Pain
Express your hurt with a number, instead of a drama. This is less threatening. Others are more able to listen and cooperate: E.g., "Help! I need you . It's a 10!"
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Sensitize Yourself to Others
You never know for sure what is in another person's head or heart. So ASK! "How bad is it that you missed the trip/didn't get the part in the play/got insulted?"
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Encourage Yourself and Others to "Do the Difficult"
If it's a 10 on the pain scale to do something difficult, say "L'fum tzara agra" (According to the pain is the reward.") The harder it is to do a mitzva or difficult event, the greater the heavenly reward. Doing the difficult also builds self-respect and self-confidence. (The "difficult" might be: sharing, forgiving, being polite to a difficult relative, studying for a test, making a doctor's appointment or cleaning up a mess, letting someone make his own decision
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